Lately, I have been thinking a lot about dating... Who I dated, why I dated, what kind of psychosis was I under to date some of these people... I promise this post will make you feel better about yourself.
Now, let me take you back to a time when I thought I was in love, and everything smelled like ness cafe and hope. It was a grand time and the whole world felt right. Except for that it wasn't, and that ness cafe smell was really the scent of my dreams and soul being shoved into a garbage disposal and then doused in lye and draino. It hurt. A lot. My dream guy ( or so I thought) was tall, dark, and handsome, so obviously something had to be wrong, right? He was a republican, Catholic, and had a slight speech impetiment. It was as if one of the many God's people speak of, came down and hand crafted him just to my specifications. At first things were perfect. Every day was like walking though fields of flowers and having angels gently glide their wings over my face. Then one day the angels died and all the flowers turned into pieces of dried up dog shit and my tall, dark, handsome man turned out to be a sexual deviant with homosexual tendencies.
Threesomes, foursomes, 36somes, he wanted it all and more. He wanted to fuck bus loads of people .I did not know what to do. Why was this happening? I could not grow 36 vaginas for him, even if I had wanted to. Tall, dark, and handsome went on wild sex rampages, like a hippo in a watering hole. He trampled everything that I had ever known about love, and trust, and my idea of what "crazy" sex. I was no match for him, and he knew it. Tall, dark, and crazy he became. He wanted dicks, and lots of them. I would never have a dick and definitely would not have lots of them, so needless to say this took me out of the running for his future wife/husband.
One day, tall, dark, crazy said to me after we made dinner, that he no longer wanted to date me because I could not drive a car. I was as puzzled hearing this as you probably are reading it. I said " I can change, I can learn how to drive." He said " no, no you can't and you did not like to go to the Dr's when you were 5 years old because you thought Dr's were scary." Yes I did hate Dr's and I still do, because they do scary shit like inject you with attenuated virus's and say things like " this might hurt a little", and then it hurts a lot. I did not realize though, that being afraid of the Dr. was grounds for dismissal. That it made me less than human and undesierable by even a crazy person. I tried to understand this, I could not. I was also faulted on being depressed because my Dad had just died, apparenlty I was supposed to have a more robotic reaction and shed no tears. Everything about me was wrong, but yet.... I sensed something was not quite right with these allegations.
Here I am, a forgiving person, taking tall, dark,and crazy back after he has a suckathon on more than one occassion putting me at risk for all sorts of lovely std's. I forgave this albeit being horrified by it, but because I did not know how to drive and did not welcome surgery and lumbar punctures... there was something wrong... with me? We went bowling that night after he told me I was a horrible unlovable person. I paid, as I did for everything ( this was another one of my many flaws) because he has no job and then I never saw him again. I guess thats how the gays do it, you break up after a night out on the town. or in this case a bowling alley in New Jersey.
There is a lot I can say about this experience but mostly it comes down to simply "live and learn." And, I learned that when the guy your dating tells you he wants to try anal.... with a guy. It's time to dash those dreams of becoming a Mrs. Tall, Dark, and Crazy.
Basically this is what has been encompassing my brain the past week or so. Wondering why people do things, and why they say words, and what those words mean, and how can I make people stop saying words I don't like. If a hippo and a pirate got into a fight who would win? Then I went back to thinking about why would I date a guy who I clearly could tell was in love with himself ( and other guys), not me.Why do I have to have such gut wrenching insecurities about why someone would possibly like me, Why about a lot of stuff I guess. why why why. why. And the answer I came to was, dunno. People just do weird things,
I guess you either choose to be stuck in the past or you choose to move forward. My coordination is to bad to walk backward. Anyway, my head feels a little less jumbly now. Apologies though if I made your brain all soupy with this long ass diatribe about relationships and deer pee.
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