My Mom said to me today, " Court, you always have problems with your banks, why are you so bad with money?" I replied " Mom, I don't fucking know." Then I began to think about why. I do not recall coming to a conclusion, I just sat on my love seat and stared at a stain on the floor for a while because I went into self preservation mode because I was unable to handle such criticism.Why am I so bad these things? Banks are supposed to make things easier for you to manage your finances. For me it is the polar opposite. I seem to forget that most Financial institutions have rules, and that just because I want them to, and I smile a lot does not mean that they will break those rules for me. Today was a prime example of that.
On my lunch break I decide to go deposit my check so I can go buy my boyfriend the Ben Sherman messenger bag he wants. I trot off down 10th street with my tons of money,oblivious as to what lies in store for me. I arrive at the bank. This is where all my dreams come to a crushing halt. I enter bank, fill out deposit slip and deduct the amount of money I think will be appropriate for tonight's retail therapy. Approaching the front desk, I smile big and cheesy, in hindsight I realize this probably makes me look creepy and like I set puppies on fire for fun. I make a mental note to stop doing this. I give the teller my slip and explain to him what I want, it went something like this."Hi, I would like to deposit this check, have 100.00 given back to me, then re deposit 50.00 so that tomorrow when my student loan is automatically withdrawn from my account it wont be overdrawn" :teller cocks head and stares at my huge smiling face: " I don't know if I understand you". I explain it again, " I want to take out $100.00 of my money, then keep $50.00 for me and re-deposit $50.00 into your lovely institution so that I can avoid your heinous overdraft fees" "Ms, you have $9.00 in your account, I cannot deposit this as cash and I cannot give you any of your money right now" " You will have to wait until Monday" " Because I am a dream crushing, Friday night ruining, soul sucking bitch (that is what he said to me in my mind). It took me a minute to digest this. All I kept thinking was, "but i want money". I tried a new tactic," Well, ok then, tha'ts no big deal, I don't need the money anyway. I have enough'. He knew I was bluffing because he had all of my account information in front of him and clearly, I had none. I walked away with an an overly confident gait, which I can assume looked completely ridiculous. I was just told that I had no money, I was not going to be given any more for three days, and would receive an overdraft fee tomorrow morning. My face said, " FUCK YOU, YOU RUINED MY WEEKEND" my walk said " THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED" Something was out of balance, and it wasn't my walk. It was my mind.
This is why I hate banks.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
The judgement circle.
I was walking in front of a couple this morning, they seemed normal at first until one of them started making dragon sounds. I was not sure if this person was trying to get my attention or if it was just a mid morning possession. Either way, I did not want to get involved. I was only two feet ahead of them so I could hear their conversation... it was about my hair. "Her hair is really Blonde" " I wonder if that's her real color" " Probably not, look at it, look at her!" I was half tempted to turn around but people that are maybe possessed can be unpredictable. The lady kept saying " LOOK! LOOK AT HER!, WATCH HER " and they guy was like " look at what? what is she doing?" This sent me into a tailspin of self doubt and had me questioning why I was even alive. Because why would strangers need to do this? Why would you need to walk behind someone and critique them in such a way that it made that person feel that they were getting ready to be jumped and stabbed, raped, and killed. I don't like feeling all of those feelings before 9AM.
I hate being judged, probably because I judge myself so much on even small things that have nothing to do with my character whatsoever. For instance; making toast .It seems simple enough, but is it? It's the little things that count when toast making. You must check to make sure the dial is not set on 10, which is the setting if you like eating charcoal briquettes, you need to ensure it is set between 2-4, which will produce crunchy, tasty goodness. Seems easy right, its not. I can fuck up toast. If I am capable of not even being able to do something as simple as set the dial on my toaster then I cannot possibly do anything else right at all, ever. That is what I think people are thinking of me when I walk down the street, or stand in line, or purchase whole milk. THAT GIRL CANT DO ANYTHING!!!! LOOK AT HER BEING ALL NOT ABLE TO DO THINGS AND I BET SHE BURNT HER TOAST THIS MORNING! It makes me very fidgety and kind of sensetive.
So, this being my overall state of being 90% of the time, it does not help that my next door neighbors hold what I call "The Judgement Circle". This circle consists of about 2-15 women ranging in age from 5 to 70. They bring out their finest lawn/beach chairs and assemble them in a loosely based circle in front of the head judger's house. Simple things like unlocking your door or throwing pie in someones face can set them off. " Did you just SEE that!" "He threw a pie in her FACE!" OH MY GOD! Never mind that I have always wanted to have someone unexpectedly throw a pie in my face and my boyfriend just happens to be kind enough to do this for me on his day off. They instead use their radical judging system to determine just how unworthy we are as human beings. Not once did they stop to say, " Hey good joke, did you like that, did you want pie in your hair"? No, instead they got mad and started judging fiercely.Upset that we got pie on the ground, I could hear them all talking at once ." They got so much pie on the ground" " Do you even believe how much pie?" " They better clean it up".' That was SO much pie, RIGHT IN HER FACE" " " He came out of no where, I just don't believe this". That actually happened, so it felt like a good example.
Judgement Circle also loves when you are trying to park your car and you can't manage to not get a wheel up on the curb because the street is so tiny and usually filled with their dirty spawn. This is better than Christmas, Halloween, and President's day combined. " YOU, YEAH YOU! YOU AIN'T DOIN IT RIGHT!" " DID YOU JUST HIT THAT CAT?" "DID SHE??" " SHE DID OMG" " Then one of the kids chimes in " my mom said your not parking this right, you can't do it like this". It never ends, they sit outside all night long and just look for things to criticize.It does not even stop at people, if a stray cat walks by you will hear " Filth! look at it" " I see it, it thinks it can walk on our street with its dirt and sadness" " I hate it" " I hope it dies". Always, I hate going out to take the trash out because they watch me and I know I am being judged on how much I put out, how close it was to the curb and what kind of trash it is. It just never ends. I go back inside and re- evaluate my life about ten times, then realize that I am probably blowing this out of proportion because they do not even have jobs or teeth and I should not care what they think because I have a job, and all of my teeth (even if some of them are not real). There for I win. Kind of.
I hate being judged, probably because I judge myself so much on even small things that have nothing to do with my character whatsoever. For instance; making toast .It seems simple enough, but is it? It's the little things that count when toast making. You must check to make sure the dial is not set on 10, which is the setting if you like eating charcoal briquettes, you need to ensure it is set between 2-4, which will produce crunchy, tasty goodness. Seems easy right, its not. I can fuck up toast. If I am capable of not even being able to do something as simple as set the dial on my toaster then I cannot possibly do anything else right at all, ever. That is what I think people are thinking of me when I walk down the street, or stand in line, or purchase whole milk. THAT GIRL CANT DO ANYTHING!!!! LOOK AT HER BEING ALL NOT ABLE TO DO THINGS AND I BET SHE BURNT HER TOAST THIS MORNING! It makes me very fidgety and kind of sensetive.
So, this being my overall state of being 90% of the time, it does not help that my next door neighbors hold what I call "The Judgement Circle". This circle consists of about 2-15 women ranging in age from 5 to 70. They bring out their finest lawn/beach chairs and assemble them in a loosely based circle in front of the head judger's house. Simple things like unlocking your door or throwing pie in someones face can set them off. " Did you just SEE that!" "He threw a pie in her FACE!" OH MY GOD! Never mind that I have always wanted to have someone unexpectedly throw a pie in my face and my boyfriend just happens to be kind enough to do this for me on his day off. They instead use their radical judging system to determine just how unworthy we are as human beings. Not once did they stop to say, " Hey good joke, did you like that, did you want pie in your hair"? No, instead they got mad and started judging fiercely.Upset that we got pie on the ground, I could hear them all talking at once ." They got so much pie on the ground" " Do you even believe how much pie?" " They better clean it up".' That was SO much pie, RIGHT IN HER FACE" " " He came out of no where, I just don't believe this". That actually happened, so it felt like a good example.
Judgement Circle also loves when you are trying to park your car and you can't manage to not get a wheel up on the curb because the street is so tiny and usually filled with their dirty spawn. This is better than Christmas, Halloween, and President's day combined. " YOU, YEAH YOU! YOU AIN'T DOIN IT RIGHT!" " DID YOU JUST HIT THAT CAT?" "DID SHE??" " SHE DID OMG" " Then one of the kids chimes in " my mom said your not parking this right, you can't do it like this". It never ends, they sit outside all night long and just look for things to criticize.It does not even stop at people, if a stray cat walks by you will hear " Filth! look at it" " I see it, it thinks it can walk on our street with its dirt and sadness" " I hate it" " I hope it dies". Always, I hate going out to take the trash out because they watch me and I know I am being judged on how much I put out, how close it was to the curb and what kind of trash it is. It just never ends. I go back inside and re- evaluate my life about ten times, then realize that I am probably blowing this out of proportion because they do not even have jobs or teeth and I should not care what they think because I have a job, and all of my teeth (even if some of them are not real). There for I win. Kind of.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
I AM SPARTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like I have Spartans living in my intestinal tract. They are angry, sharp and very stab-y. I hate them but can not find a way to rid myself of them. It seems as though I am destined to live the rest of my life with small warlike organisms wreaking havoc in my lower left quadrant. It is impossible to explain how rough this makes one's work day. Sitting in an upright position looking through charts and managerial handbooks on how to be more productive and efficient when all you feel like doing is going into the handicapped stall and crying My only conclusion as to why this could be happening is that I pissed off a warlock something fierce. Because why, why else would this happen to me? Not being able to poop for 7 days!! Yes 7 whole entire days filled with bloating, and depression, and extreme levels of anxiety That is something only magic is capable, and evil enough to do. I am talking about serious fucking magic. But pooping should not be serious. Pooping is for jokes, and laughter not sad faces and humiliation. I kind of feel like I die a little inside every time I go into the bathroom now. I keep trying to remember what life was like before this started happening and hoping that one day I will be able to enjoy waking up again. Sigh. I am going to go watch pirated documentaries with the boyfriend and try not to ruin the evening with my death rattles.
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