I AM SPARTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like I have Spartans living in my intestinal tract. They are angry, sharp and very stab-y. I hate them but can not find a way to rid myself of them. It seems as though I am destined to live the rest of my life with small warlike organisms wreaking havoc in my lower left quadrant. It is impossible to explain how rough this makes one's work day. Sitting in an upright position looking through charts and managerial handbooks on how to be more productive and efficient when all you feel like doing is going into the handicapped stall and crying My only conclusion as to why this could be happening is that I pissed off a warlock something fierce. Because why, why else would this happen to me? Not being able to poop for 7 days!! Yes 7 whole entire days filled with bloating, and depression, and extreme levels of anxiety That is something only magic is capable, and evil enough to do.  I am talking about serious fucking magic. But pooping should not be serious. Pooping is for jokes, and laughter not sad faces and humiliation. I kind of feel like I die a little inside every time I go into the bathroom now. I keep trying to remember what life was like before this started happening  and hoping that one day I will be able to enjoy waking up again.  Sigh. I am going to go watch pirated documentaries with the boyfriend and try not to ruin the evening with my death rattles.