I was walking in front of a couple this morning, they seemed normal at first until one of them started making dragon sounds. I was not sure if this person was trying to get my attention or if it was just a mid morning possession. Either way, I did not want to get involved. I was only two feet ahead of them so I could hear their conversation... it was about my hair. "Her hair is really Blonde" " I wonder if that's her real color" " Probably not, look at it, look at her!" I was half tempted to turn around but people that are maybe possessed can be unpredictable. The lady kept saying " LOOK! LOOK AT HER!, WATCH HER " and they guy was like " look at what? what is she doing?" This sent me into a tailspin of self doubt and had me questioning why I was even alive. Because why would strangers need to do this? Why would you need to walk behind someone and critique them in such a way that it made that person feel that they were getting ready to be jumped and stabbed, raped, and killed. I don't like feeling all of those feelings before 9AM.
I hate being judged, probably because I judge myself so much on even small things that have nothing to do with my character whatsoever. For instance; making toast .It seems simple enough, but is it? It's the little things that count when toast making. You must check to make sure the dial is not set on 10, which is the setting if you like eating charcoal briquettes, you need to ensure it is set between 2-4, which will produce crunchy, tasty goodness. Seems easy right, its not. I can fuck up toast. If I am capable of not even being able to do something as simple as set the dial on my toaster then I cannot possibly do anything else right at all, ever. That is what I think people are thinking of me when I walk down the street, or stand in line, or purchase whole milk. THAT GIRL CANT DO ANYTHING!!!! LOOK AT HER BEING ALL NOT ABLE TO DO THINGS AND I BET SHE BURNT HER TOAST THIS MORNING! It makes me very fidgety and kind of sensetive.
So, this being my overall state of being 90% of the time, it does not help that my next door neighbors hold what I call "The Judgement Circle". This circle consists of about 2-15 women ranging in age from 5 to 70. They bring out their finest lawn/beach chairs and assemble them in a loosely based circle in front of the head judger's house. Simple things like unlocking your door or throwing pie in someones face can set them off. " Did you just SEE that!" "He threw a pie in her FACE!" OH MY GOD! Never mind that I have always wanted to have someone unexpectedly throw a pie in my face and my boyfriend just happens to be kind enough to do this for me on his day off. They instead use their radical judging system to determine just how unworthy we are as human beings. Not once did they stop to say, " Hey good joke, did you like that, did you want pie in your hair"? No, instead they got mad and started judging fiercely.Upset that we got pie on the ground, I could hear them all talking at once ." They got so much pie on the ground" " Do you even believe how much pie?" " They better clean it up".' That was SO much pie, RIGHT IN HER FACE" " " He came out of no where, I just don't believe this". That actually happened, so it felt like a good example.
Judgement Circle also loves when you are trying to park your car and you can't manage to not get a wheel up on the curb because the street is so tiny and usually filled with their dirty spawn. This is better than Christmas, Halloween, and President's day combined. " YOU, YEAH YOU! YOU AIN'T DOIN IT RIGHT!" " DID YOU JUST HIT THAT CAT?" "DID SHE??" " SHE DID OMG" " Then one of the kids chimes in " my mom said your not parking this right, you can't do it like this". It never ends, they sit outside all night long and just look for things to criticize.It does not even stop at people, if a stray cat walks by you will hear " Filth! look at it" " I see it, it thinks it can walk on our street with its dirt and sadness" " I hate it" " I hope it dies". Always, I hate going out to take the trash out because they watch me and I know I am being judged on how much I put out, how close it was to the curb and what kind of trash it is. It just never ends. I go back inside and re- evaluate my life about ten times, then realize that I am probably blowing this out of proportion because they do not even have jobs or teeth and I should not care what they think because I have a job, and all of my teeth (even if some of them are not real). There for I win. Kind of.
No comments:
Post a Comment