Gimmie a baby or I'll shenk you.

I am having " I want a baby" syndrome lately. No idea why this is happening, because it is really not a good time for me to have one Plus I am actively trying to prevent that very thing from occurring. I have no car, no marriage happening, not much money,  and a lot of times babies just scream when I hold them. Its like they know I'm not ready so they try to be helpful and alert me. My brain is all " Go get married, do it now, no, really, NOW, and where is that baby hmmm". I would like my brain to slow its roll a little. My age, I suppose is partly to blame for this, I am on the cusp of 30 and all of my grown up genes are starting to turn on and want me to do things like buy cribs and eat granola. Plus all of my friends are either already married or halfway down the aisle, so I feel like I have catching up to do. If I do not catch up I worry that I will become like one of those people on that show Animal Hoarders. That is not ok, not anything about that will be ok at all, ever. I do not want a menagerie of exotic birds and dogs in various stages of disease all over my house. I would however like new furniture from Ikea and a Toyota Prius.

I don't know that any of this will ever happen, because what I want and what actually happens usually are two different things. I will get a slightly skewed version of what I want to happen.. Like my house for instance. I wanted to move out. I moved. My house is continually trying to kill me with plagues of insects and mice which I most definitely did not want. If the spiders that are always trying to bite me, don't wind up causing some sort of necrotic fasciitis then I am bound to contract the Hantavirus  from sweeping up so many mouse turds. I got what I wanted, but also did not at the same time. See, that's how just how things work. This is sort of what I am expecting to happen if I have a baby. It could go one of two ways. First way being; Baby is horribly deformed and has at least 13 diseases and only a few semi formed limbs. It could also be born being a "red baby". Red baby is horrible, Red baby is so red it looks like it was stapled directly to the sun.  This type of baby would mean I could not take baby out of the house until its skin calmed down and learned to be of a normal pigment. I do not want this. Second thing that is a strong possibility is: Baby is adorable, lovely, smart but bad. Bad like, setting fires, bad like peeing on furniture when it clearly has been potty trained, bad like  sticking its hands in the blander just to scare me. Things like that. It would be uncontrollable and I would be left alone with it because the rest of my family would shun me because no one wants to be responsible for the destruction it would cause.

This is how things work out. Always.

My life is sort of like a coin toss. Unpredictable and sometimes landing me face down. Really, I just want a life that is beyond awesome, and where I can afford a kitchen aid mixer and a vacation in the same year. Marriage is such a big deal, and I do not know why I have suddenly become obsessed with it. But, really it is like my new number 1 thing I want to do now. I wish my number one thing I wanted to do was ride a bike better, that would be a lot cheaper and a lot faster to accomplish. I am no good at waiting. I hate lines, and I hate laundry, and baking because they all involve waiting for things to be finished that I want available to me immediately . Instant gratification is my biggest downfall. As is getting obsessed with things I cannot immediately have. One day maybe I will learn to find that middle ground everyone talks so much about.