Thinking. I had far to much time on my hands this week and lots of it was done. I felt like I had a new strand of Ebola that has went undiscovered, but it turns out it was a Sinusitis that had decided to wreak havoc in my lungs as well. Oh how I love these little surprises. As if my body is a child who craves attention it's not getting so it then decides to act out and I have no choice but to give it it's desired attention. Even if it means going to the dreaded Dr. and filling up on antibiotics and steroids. It got it's attention though, and now seems to have calmed down some.. for now.
Back to this thinking problem though. I love the holidays, but they have such an undertone of sadness for me anymore that I can't quite shake off. I keep having these, sort of flashbacks about my Dad's dying. It's not a thought, or a memory, like something that I am actively choosing to participate in thinking about. It's more of just this sudden rush of way to much emotion for me to handle, and just parts and pieces of him dying, and of his funeral. It makes me visibly shaken. I feel like I can't even catch my breath sometimes. Almost like being smothered in way to many feelings that I have no idea how to even begin feeling, nor do I want to.
Grieving, its broken down into time lines, and steps. It has stages and precipices you are supposed to hit. Grief is supposed to be put neatly into a box. The same for everyone. Widows should take precisely two years to overcome their heartbreak, children 1-2 years, etc. What the "experts" on grieving do not tell you is how you are supposed to reach these goals. They all say, as so many people do that " time heals" and " just give it time it gets better" but I find the more time that passes, the more difficult it becomes. The whole " acceptance" part is when your grieving is supposed to stop. I don't believe that to be true. I have for all intensive purposes " accepted " that my dad has died but it still does not deter me from thinking about the so many " if only's and "what if's" that stew in the back of my brain. I am unable to turn them off, I can't help but feel like I am going to feel the loss of him everytime something good happens, something bad happens.
I was never much a fan of God, so I can't find comfort in the thought that he is in Heaven, or that I will see him again or any of those cliche things people tell you to comfort you, and themselves. I can't help but dwell on the fact that he will not be there when I or my sister get married, when my sister graduates from College this year, when I have a baby, I did not get to tell him about the new job I got, or what I ate for dinner last night. He never got to see me move out on my own or my new house.And those are things that I just can't seem to let go of.
We had a tumultous relationship but I loved him, and he loved me,. After he died I felt so completely vulnerable to everything. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't turn out lights anymore. I was 28 and became afraid of the dark ( still am 28 and still am afraid of the dark.) I never realized how protected I felt with him around, how I felt like he was indestructable and that made me feel a little less..destructable I guess. It also left me with this sinking feeling of responsibility. Before he died he told me over and over to" take care of your mother." I feel like I sort of suck at that, because I don't really know what to do for her. I try but, I'm not sure if it's enough sometimes. She breaks my heart sometimes just by seeing how broken her own heart is.
So, I don't know if I am over the "first year hurdle' yet. It's been 1 year and 5 months. I can't believe it. It still seems like it happened just yesterday some days. I still cry when I talk about him, I still can't look at pictures of him for too long. It just feels like I'm nursing a wound that will never quite heal right. Basically, I feel like I grieved wrong. Or am grieving wrong, sometimes I wonder if I grieved at all I don't know really what it's supposed to feel like. I worry constantly about losing my Mom, and my sister. I tried to put it out of my mind that the people I love so much are actually mortal and so not have some secret long life elixer. I wish they did, and losing my Dad made that all the more real to me.
While I do not like to think about this to often. I can't help it. When I see things I want to buy him for Christmas, when I hear jokes I know he would like... it hurts still. I don't think after another 6 months goes by and I hit the 2 year mark in this whole grieving process that it's going to feel any different really. So much for time lines I guess. I was never very good with deadlines anyway.
It's nice to just pretend he is on an extended vacation, somewhere he always wanted to. Reality, is way overrated to me. I hope in a few more years that I can talk about him without feeling my chest tighten up. Everyone says "it gets easier" that "it's still to new for me" but when is it ever easy losing anyone, anything? Losing is hard to accept, and it's impossible to understand the one question that keeps arising. "Why?" I guess there is no answer really, other than the "all things happen for a reason" which in my opinion simplifies things way to much, like Einstein said; " Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler." I completely agree.
It feels a little less complicated getting this out on proverbial paper though.
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