Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I took up drinking full time. Probably pretty awesome is my guess. Every day I would down 2 six packs of Smirnoff Ice and a bottle of Friday's Bahama Mama mix. Pretty much I can't see how this lifestyle would not work out to my advantage, I mean, who doesn't love a successful closet alcoholic? No one, thats who.
I imagine it to be something like this; I wake up in the morning a little shaky. I can't tell if it's from dehydration or Delirium tremors. This would be kind of exciting, I would be in a constant state of surprise not knowing if I was going to be able to get out of bed or not. Awesome right? I would probably then stumble into the bathroom, vomit up some cheese fries I ate at the bar the night before. I would be partying hard and eating a lot of greasy bar foods. This daily vomiting would be really helpful to my figure though and help me stay in shape. Everyone knows obesity kills. See, the alcoholism is working for me.
Immediately I would reach for a drink as soon as I was done puking up the lining of my large intestine. No one ever said being an alcoholic was sexy. Obviously being the organized and prepared person I am, my night table would be turned into a mini bar. I would have tons of tiny "pick me ups" lined up according to what gave me the quickest buzz. The bottom cabinet would house a decent variety of wines and Swedish Vodkas. Just because I am a drunk does not mean I no longer have a discriminating palate. There would also be two Waterford crystal tulip goblets to drink my finest Merlot from. I would stay on the classy side of drunk.
Once enough alcohol had saturated my blood. I would then get ready to go to work. I would never ever be stressed out about going to my job again. Drunk people don't give a fuck. That's how I imagine I would be. After getting dressed, and pulling what appeared to be some leaves, and hunks of dried blood out of my hair, from my previous nights antics. I would be ready to take on the day! Work might notice that I maybe had a drinking problem. They would be sympathetic due to the current recession we are in. My boss would ever so delicately decline my presence at meetings, request that I have my own private office due to mid afternoon "naps." Also, I would be given only menial tasks to do like lick envelopes and drink coffee. They would totally be supportive and give me virtually no responsibility at all! TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME!
It would just get better, I would get promotions for " trying", my family would see that I was struggling with day to day activities like bathing and cleaning up after myself so they would hire me a housekeeper/ nurses aid. They would make sure I did not aspirate vomit into my lungs when I passed out, and would also be able to administer local anesthetic for the stitches I would need, because I would fall down a lot. They would also keep the house in mint mother fucking condition, because it will be of even more importance to keep things in order when I'm drunk. Trying to navigate through piles of filth looking for something that will seem at the time of the utmost importance, something like a Ziplock bag filled with rocks, will be impossible when I have double vision and a gut full of Absolute and generic cola. Like the saying goes cleanliness is Godliness. That will be even more true for me.
Let's not even start on how bad ass it is going to be when my family see's I stopped paying my bills. They see me as helpless, like a kitten who only has one eye and three legs. I try , but I can only do so much with the hand I was dealt. Like the Little Engine that could. Only I can't. Naturally they take over my finances and make sure to deposit enough money into my bank account so that I can buy things like food, and clothes. What they won't know is that I'm buying liquor and taquitos from 7-11. Life is so fucking sweet! I mean who does not dream of a life where they can do nothing all day except drink and eat knock off Mexican food. If you answered no one, you win! So basically becoming an alcoholic is like, the best decision I will ever have made for myself. It will be a win win for me either way I go. Even if none of the above things happened and I lost my house, job, respect, and was left to live on the streets destitute and had to hold up a sign I made that said " Will warj fer MONEAY" (Note: I will have made this while drinking heavily) People will feel bad that I am illiterate and smell, and give me money .I still win! Impressive huh? Because in both of these scenarios I have managed to avoid ANY responsibilities whatsoever. Fool proof plan, I bet you wish you would have though of it.
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