Not having a washer and dryer in my house is maybe the mot ineffective thing ever. I could buy them but my basement harbors far to many spiders. I blocked access to it with a huge plant and a bookshelf. There is no need to go down there at all, ever. This means I cant have a washer. Dryer maybe, but it would have to go in the living room which would really throw of the aesthetics of the room. However, after spending the last three hours of my life at the laundromat, I would be willing to sacrifice aesthetics.
I decided to go to the new laundromat that is conveniently closer to my house. I figured I would save money on cab fare and maybe it turn out to be a more pleasurable experience than I have at my usual laundromat. As it turned out, nothing was ever less pleasurable than this experience. Upon entering the place where I would lose three hours of my life, I see children, lots of children. Normally this does not bother me but they were running, and screaming. Loudly, it sounded like a fleet of firetrucks, ambulances, and police cars all blaring their sirens in unison. If you can imagine what that sounds like, you probably just shuddered violently.
Nevertheless, I had just paid $9.00 to be dropped off at what was apparently a portal to Lucifer's wash n fold. I might as well just commence with my laundering. I see that most of the tables and chairs are occupied and that the washers are most definitely more expensive than my other laundromat. I begin to slowly lose faith in humanity. After selecting a "super giant size" washer, I spot an empty table and dash for it. I feel slightly better having procured my own booth. This was much better, now I could read my book in peace and wait for my wash to be done.... or so I thought. A man comes over to my table, he looks like the type of man you would try to avoid having sit next to anywhere ever. He says " Is it okay if I share this spot with you?" My brain was saying NO! NO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN SAY NO! But what came out of my mouth was a weak, defeated " sure." I try to avoid making eye contact and continue reading my book but I can feel his eyes set dead on me. I look up to see his goofy, big toothed grin smiling at me. I try to be polite, even though everything in me says not to and I smile back.
This would be the biggest mistake I have ever made. He receives my smile as in invitation to talk. " So, what are you reading?" I sort of mumble " a bookaboutlaos" and show him the cover. He is all " I never read that, I have 7,000 books at home and I read the entire Harry Potter series 10 times." I guess that was my cue to be impressed but instead I just said " that's nice" and continued to try to read. He did not care. " So have you ever seen the movie 10,000 BC? I sigh. "no." " He kept going. " I heard it was so good, I haven't seen it yet though, but I want to". I just smile, and then hold my book closer to my face so he cant make eye contact with me, I thought this maybe would get the point across that I did not want to talk to him. It didn't.
Just when his questions had finally subsided my nostrils detected something unusual. It was like a combination between burnt licorice and mold. It was HIM. Jesus, if his mouth was not going his stench was hugging me. I could not get away. There was no where else to sit. I checked. This was more horrible than having my hands stapled to Kangaroos face. If he could at least be quiet maybe, just maybe I could get through this.
He could not. " Your laundry isn't done yet is it?" obviously genius I am still sitting here. " No, but it's almost done?" " Young lady, YOUNG LADY" I had no choice but to answer him at that point." "What?" "Did you ever see this movie, it's good." referring to some movie with Mark Walburg in it. " No I have not" I was willing the dryer to dry faster at this point. He was now leaning with his entire body all the way across the table into my personal zone. This was not okay. I felt dirty and frightened. I did not know where to go. Finally the dryer was done. I began throwing the clothes into the cart at a meth addicts speed. I just could not get away form him fast enough. Unluckily enough for me, the only free folding table was the one right next to where he was sitting.
"Can I squeeze by you young lady". This means I have to move my cart, shut my dryer door and halt my getting the hell out of here process. "Sure" why, he had to make me do this rather to go around the other side of the table which was clear of any obstacles, I do not know. He went to pick up a sock. " Really, all of that for a sock that the woman to which it belonged to knew it had dropped and was about to pick it up. Not on his watch. He was going to pick up that mother fucking sock. He then needed to re squeeze by me. " Still not done huh" ' Nope" as I stand there folding. Really sir, why so many questions. " Now I can put my feet up on on the bench, it would be nice if I had a pillow here too" " I need a stool like this at my house but I am to cheap to buy one" WHAT THE FUCK! leave me the Jesus Christ hell alone. I did not respond to this, I just kept folding in my adrenaline induced haze. HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE! Was all I kept thinking. He then asked me if I needed helped folding. NO bitch no. I said " I am good , thanks." Mold man just kept watching me daring me to drop a sock. He was ready to spring into action.
I finished folding all of my clothes and then promptly moved to another table. Naturally by the tine I was ready to leave all of the other tables in the laundromat were then free. I felt him staring into my soul as I moved to a table free of his existence.
My cab finally arrived and I hauled ass out of there. I had SURVIVED.
And that, was my experience at the laundromat.
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