SHUT UP BEAR.

Remember when the blue M&M's came out. Everyone was all " Oh wow! they are blue, they taste like awesomeness and children's smiles". I do. And it was a wonderful time in my life. This is of no real importance I was just eating m&m's and got very excited

Tonight I am going to bake Mike a cake. I want to make him a chocolate bear cake. Why a bear cake you say? Because, last night we got to watch  The Bear Whisperer, and it was a very intense mind altering reality show.! Although  I think they should consider revising the name of the show to  The Authoritative Bear Speaker. The whisperer, Steve Searless ( awesome last name, conveniently rhymes with fearless, which you have to be when working with bears) is much less a whisperer and much more an authoritative talker. He would at times, just,speak to the bears, like he was talking a future suicide victim off of a buildings edge. Calm and soothing. Bears however, don't give a fuck about calm and soothing, so he had to resort to his corporal punishment voice. There was a bear peacefully eating bird seed ( he referred to bird seed as the "crack cocaine" for bears) and he is all " BEAR, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!! "YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE EATING CRACK SEEDS IN PEOPLES BACK YARDS'. 'GET OUT BEAR GETOUGETOUTGETOUT'.The bear not being of the English speaking variety chose to stay and eat his crack seeds. Steve was rather indignant about the whole thing and decided rather than to talk rationally and come to a compromise with the bear, to pepper spray it in the face instead. This worked, and the bear ran away because no one likes getting pepper sprayed in the face, not even wild bears with face ripping off capabilities. 

I was really impressed with this mans interpersonal skills. It was obvious he had worked in human resources before and was very good at negotiating. Most of all, Steve was able to simply gain control of the situation by  just screaming. There was a black bear chilling on some grass and Steve was all ' GETOUTBEARGETOUTTAHEREBEAR" Like that. The bear, being a bear was all "GROWWWWWWWL" and Steve being Steve was like " SHUT UP!". That made the bear recognize who he was dealing with and go run to another patch of grass somewhere else. I was imfuckingpressed.

I wish I harbored the ability to scream things that were fucking with me, or not even, just thing that were bigger than me, into submission. "YO ELEPHANT, GO SIT THE FUCK DOWN BEFORE I WRECK YOUR LIFE" The elephant would be so afraid of having it's life wrecked it would immediately sit down and stop being scary. I would perform that same tactic on my creepy neighbor who likes to stalk my windows to see if I am maybe running around the house in the nude. " FUCKING OLD MAN, STOP CREEPING UP IN MY WINDOWS LIKE YOU KNOW ME, SHUT UP AND STOP SEEING WITH YOUR EYES BEFORE I SET YOUR LIFE ON FIRE." I have never told anyone I would set their life on fire before, I am not entirely sure how that works. I do imagine though, it being a very satisfying and useful method for controlling others.

Basically, this show changed my life. I now have a massive amount of respect for people who are able to control and confront wild animals using cherry bombs and their big scary voices. I will be brushing up on my bear scaring skills.