"Here is a list I am compiling of things you generally want to avoid doing while dating someone. I think you will find it to be thorough and detailed.
1) Talking to you'r ex is like sticking your hand in a bee hive. Fucking dangerous.
If you want a sure fire way to piss off your current significant other and make them doubt that they love you. TALK TO YOUR EX!! A LOT! There is not a surer way to guarantee that your current lady or guy will develop an inferiority complex so devastating ,that the only way they will be able to calm themselves down is by eating their own hair.
2) Keeping all of the little things, like photos, postcards, Christmas stockings, emails, conversations you had over the internet. You know, the important things. This a big no no. It says " I care, but not about you"
This is a great way to show the person you are currently in a relationship with that you are completely obsessed... with your ex! They will appreciate that you are holding onto your past so dearly. They probably will just tell you "Fuck this, me and my life. Go back to him/her because I am tired of you trying to get me to wear the skin suit you made out of your ex girlfriend." You obviously are unable to shed the leftover "skin" of your last relationship and it is smothering this current one like saran wrap over a Koalas face. Please, go ahead and be with the person who ripped out your heart cut it open and filled it with liquid nails. Then decided to pawn it to get some extra cash for Wawa's Hoagie fest. Yes, you would be doing us both a favor by doing this.
3) Calling your significant other by your ex's name. This probably will clue them in that you don't give a fuck and clearly are not even thinking of them while humping the shit out of them every night in bed. Bad move. Don't do it.
If you really want to let the cat out of the bag that your feelings are for someone else other than the person you are sleeping with. Call them by another name! You will be so surprised how offended and murder-y the person becomes. They may even resort to violence. What a fast solution to ending a relationship you don't even want to be in! Nothing says " I never loved you" like a Protection From Abuse order.
4) Becoming overly excited about anything your ex says or does. This means having an abnormal expression of emotions at little things like finding out they cut their fingernails to "sporty" length , became Pre- Diabetic, whining about their current state of unhappiness, or hearing through the grapevine they started using a new brand of razor.THAT MOTHER FUCKER!
This can be tricky. You need to really flip the fuck out for this to work. Pull out some of your molars, then set something on fire, Roll around on the floor moaning a lot and muttering about how you used to be the only one who could talk *ex* into switching razor brands. How are you going to go on living knowing that your judgment no longer impacts their life? How will you ever wake up in the morning knowing that they no longer need you to tell them what brand of toilet paper to purchase? This will most definitely signal to the person you are with that you are not really interested in them and would much rather bitch and whine about why your ex stopped using your face as the background on their desktop than spend time with them.
5) Cheating. This is always bad and generally makes the person you are with really angry. Basically if you do this you are fucked. I'm sure both figuratively and literally.Of course if you do this it means you do not give a fuck about being fucked, so to hell with it. Why even bother wearing pants when on public transportation at this point. It just hinders the process really. You could be so much more effective in your cheating if you just stopped wearing clothes all together. Why waste time?
Being cheated on sucks. It sucks more than the Flowbee. This is an absolute way to say " Fuck you" " I never loved you, I will never love you, in fact I hope I gave you herpes and the clap because that is how little I love you" It also says " You are a little dumb because I was able to bone someone else behind your back". This is not cool at all. Pretty much, this just sucks balls. It is mean and only shitty bitch assholes do it. This is yet, another perfect way to say " I don't want to date you anymore.
6) Never quote Ol' Dirty bastard in an argument. Some people just cant handle his brutal words and will take them as you being threatening and unnecessarily aggressive. For instance if you were to say "First things first, man / You're fuckin' with the worst / I'll be stickin' pins in your head like a fuckin' nurse ". This could be taken as you meaning to cause this person bodily harm. They may get scared and try to " come at you" like a bitch. You could try to diffuse the situation by quoting Michael Phelps. "I always thought, it would be neat to make the Olympic team. " This would most likely put your partner into a general state of confusion. Especially if you have never expressed interest at being an Olympic Athlete, or at sports in general. Take this time to run away to safety. Go to Diary queen. Buy a blizzard. Problems solved.
This move can only be used by the very cunning. It is also advised that quoting Ol' Dirty Bastard is only done by those who are physically fit. You might need to run away after saying something like "I kill all the government microchips in my body; I'm that paranoid nigga, at ya party; I kill all my enemies at birth; SHUT THE FUCK UP, bitch " You might need to exit the room after saying this though.
Basically if you complete steps 1-6 you are guaranteed to kill any relationship in less time than it takes for you to microwave a burrito. Choose wisely.
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