Mike and I bought $120.00 in candy. Bulk size. Now and laters, whoppers, 5 lbs of watermelon Sour Patch kids 3 pounds of Bavarian cream in a tube. It's what I imagine Caligula's kitchen would have looked like. Decadent yet accessible. As you can see, we are both very pre-occupied with healthy eating. We also both know a lot about "limitations"
Fuck it, I love candy. I would shank a baby for some skittles.I am not even ashamed of that. If I ever win the lottery, or some money at a Casino, first thing I am purchasing is a Cotton Candy machine. Think about it, I would be able to stick my entire face into the whirl pool of spinning sugar and just inhale mouthfuls of it. It would be the ultimate act of gluttony. I would sell my TV and buy a deep fryer, I would set all of this up in my front yard and it would be like a year round carnival that only Mike and were invited to. If we were feeling generous and giving we would maybe give some of the funnel cake we could not eat to the neighborhood children. Not for free though, first rule of business ethics " Charge for everything, even if it says it's free, charge anyway" No one ever ran a successful business by giving shit away. Thats called charity, and charity wont buy us a 60' flat screen TV with a Bose surround sound. Plus, paying for things makes people feel important and worthy. Like they are contributing to society by purchasing carnival food out of someones front yard. It also makes them feel a little less poor because " hey we can afford this!". Basically we will be like two GREAT,MAGICAL samaratins. Doing good, and fighting hunger one cotton candy at a time.
Something tells me this might be the best idea I have ever had. If I could, I would live in an amusement park. It would have to be empty though, except for the workers. I would need people there to maintain vigilance about ride safety and park cleanliness. I said I wanted to live in an amusement park, not die an unnecessary death in one. So, pretty much I would choose to live in Busch Gardens because I have never been there and it looks like the epitome of awesome. It's like if the Boardwalk and Richard Simmons had a baby, that baby would be Bush Gardens. Shiny and so much fun it makes your brain misfire electrons which run into some neutrons that then leak down into your spinal column causing you to be momentarily paralyzed with extreme excitement and a little fear. That is exactly how it is like.
Now, entrance into my amusement park home would be by invitation only. I would not want filthy people taking up space and making me have to wait in line to go on the Tilt-OWhirl, because everyone knows waiting in line for the Tilt-O-Whirl is just about the most devastating thing you can ever have to do. It just really tortures your soul to see other people in front of you who are not nearly as big of fans as you are of spinning in circles that make you feel like you are going to throw up that deep fried snickers bar and Mountain Dew you just ate. No these people are pigs. They are just trying to hold you back from realizing your dream of the "spin puke" puking in a full 360 degree spin. These people want to ruin your life. They will not be allowed into your park.
I have thought about it a lot, and really it just makes so much more sense than living in a regular boring house with boring things and only 1 bathroom. Why do that? Why when instead of only have one stupid toilet you could have 37 of them and urinals! If I wanted to be a bad ass and pee standing up, I totally could! Also why be, woken up by a boring, ordinary alarm clock, I could be woken up by the sounds of splashing and having freezing cold water drenching me from going full speed down a log flume! Not only does it wake me up it also serves as a shower. Thats two things in one! My clock at home can only do ONE THING! I really do not see why I am even still living in a house. Because my house does not have a log flume, or the Musik Express, and when I am bored and want to spin in circles I have to do it manually and use my legs, and I can never spin fast enough so I get frustrated and disenchanted with life because why the FUCK cant I spin FAST! DAMNIT ALL I WANT TO DO IS SPIN AND HAVE SOME FUN, ALL I WANT TO DO IS HAVE SOME FUN UNTIL THE SUN COMES UP OVER SANTA MONICA BOULEVARD!
It makes me so angry that I start screaming Sheryl Crow lyrics in a Bobcat Goldthwait voice. Except it has a hint of a Cookie Monster undertone to it. That is some serous ass anger. * It's really fun to sing that last part up top in the Bobcat Cookie monster voice, you should try it*. Anyway, all this anger at not being able to achieve my desired G Force has only reiterated to me even more that I need to make this dream a reality. It will be mine.. Oh yes. It will be mine.
If it is not mine, I guess I will have to suck it up and live in my boring house that is to small to fit even one stupid roller coaster. I mean, really, how is it even adequate at all if my house can not even accommodate even one little baby sized thrill ride? Why even have a house? It's so unfair to be confined to such a small unmanageable, unimaginative space. Sigh, life is hard.
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